Lost in Translation

the above sign assumes there are some necessary accidents !

Day 10 (travel day)

The travel home day is always my favourite day, I am on the way back to the family its a long day with the route taking me from Cape Town to Johannesburg and then back to London, the journey time is 24 hours but gives me 8 hours in Johannesburg to look at the aircraft. This tour has turned out to be significantly different that I planned it to be way back in January when I first agreed to do it. I had visions of days off in a sun soaked Eastern Cape. In the end I managed half a day off in Durban, one and a half days off in Port Elizabeth of which half a day was lost when I could not get a tour to the game park and the much anticipated afternoon in Cape Town was a train wreck. On the upside I got to see a world rebound male solo performer twice including once from back stage where I got a lift to and from the gig with his band. Overall I worked a lot harder than I planned but it was a work tip after all !!!!

So it was up at up at 6AM with a pickup at 7AM, being a Sunday Morning there was no traffic and I was at the airport by 7:15. The flight was not until 9:50 so I amused myself with breakfast and watching the planes. The flight from Cape Town to Johannesburg was on time and there was not a cloud in the sky, so I spent most of the flight looking out of the window, about half way through the flight we flew over an amazing manmade feature in the landscape, I assume its a Diamond mine but I have yet to identify which one. When I boarded the London flight I realised that although I had reserved a window seat I had actually been allocated a mid seat, I was not very happy and psyched myself up for 11 hours jammed between two people. The person on the isle seat to my left arrived and told me that the seat between us was empty, things started to look up. There was a very large group of school children on the flight and as soon as boarding was complete the girl next to me got up and moved next to her friends, I now have a middle seat with both the seats next to me empty, what a result.

Day 9 (travel day) Port Elizabeth – Cape Town.

What a difference a day makes.... yesterday was one of those un planned but fantastic days today was a long planned and well looked forward to day which fell short of expectations. We had moved the schedule forward by 1:15 because they had to be out of the Hotel sue to the South African Iron Man competition. In order for everyone not to have to get up too early I agreed bags being at the airport 90 minutes before departure and not the usual two hours. Disaster struck and the roads were closed for the Iron Man, the bags arrived at the airport one hour and 10 minutes before departure. We processed them very quickly but the roads reopened and the passengers were on time. Added to this the aircraft tug broke down and we only got the aircraft on stand 10 minutes before scheduled departure time. Amazingly we departed only 15 minutes late. The arrival in Cape Town was fantastic. All the coaches and the baggage truck on the apron. We are staying at a great hotel and Cape Town is may favourite city in the world... so what went wrong. A quick shower after arrival and it was onto the shuttle bus to the V & A waterfront, it was sunny and the mountain had no table cloth. I was wondering round enjoying my favourite place in my favourite city when I ran into the stage manager his colleague from the tour. They wanted to find a bar which whilst not what i was planning was OK. Then the karaoke kicked in and the rugby was put over the PA in the bar. The entire day was going to rats. We had a beer and then the tour management that we contracted with showed up so I had to have another beer. Having had two “large castles” I made my excuses and left I then proceeded to run into everyone from the tour, absolutely not what I had planned. I went into my favourite shop in my favourite place in my favourite city and “X” the soloist was in there shopping. I could net escape!!!! I finally broke free of the tour orbit but not before running into several other tour members. I managed to have a nice meal but the day was not as planned so I cut my losses and returned to the hotel. Cape Town is still a great city but not this time. I firmly believe that the more you anticipate a day the harder it is to live up to the expectation, I you have no expectation then it is easy to exceed that lack of expectation. This is a great lesson on customer service and one reason one reason why some brands like Emirates Airlines have to be better than better when it comes to the product because they have set a very high bar and passenger expectations are very high.

Day 8 (Show day) Port Elizabeth

Today was the sort of day that makes my job the most perfect job in the world. I had booked a game drive in a local reserve; it cost about £50 for about 4 hours which was all the time I had. The park is designed so that you will see everything that they have in stock so in that respect it’s only a little more natural that the safari parks in the UK. At this one though they keep three cheetah’s for film work and they allow small groups in to stroke them, it was just like being with a rather large domestic cat albeit they could do more damage to you if they wanted to. We then took a drive back to the hotel, as I was the only person on the tour we talked a lot about the local area and politics and what it was like to be in the tourism industry.

At 3:30PM I caught a lift to the venue with the band, we had our meeting and once again I got dinner. The tour moves location every three days to a venue they have never seen before, they use tape on the floor to point everyone in the right direction, everywhere you look there is tape with directions on it.


where there is no tape there are signs!

The venue three hours before the gig


The tour had been good enough to invite the aircraft crew to the gig so I went front of stage and chatted to them. About 15 minutes before the start I left them to it and went back stage again they were telling me this was the largest concert ever to take place in Port Elizabeth with 22,000 tickets sold. I was able to see the band and soloist walk out onto the stage and once it has started I just sat back with a few of the crew who are responsible for the building and breaking the stage, the conversation was much like any other at a normal work place in this economic climate, how long was the tour going to go on for, who knew what and what rumours there were. Just over half way through the concert as the big numbers were approaching I walked out to the area behind the stage and found a seat and just watched the crowd, the atmosphere was amazing certainly the best that I have seen at one of his concerts. I walked out to the font of the stage for the first of the encore numbers and then went back to the coffee station just before the band walked off. About half an hour after the gig finished I caught a lift back to the hotel with the band. I am a little spoilt now it is the only way to see a gig.

Day 7 (Day off) Port Elizabeth

I had hoped to go on a game drive but it had to be booked in advance and this has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning. I took the opportunity to walk into town; there was nothing there so I walked back. With nothing much to do I decided to get a cab to the South African Air Force Museum (Port Elizabeth branch). IT is not a big museum but the people there are all volunteers and really friendly. The museum is located in an ex RAF WW2 hanger that had been the home of 42 Air School Air Gunnery Training Centre. On the wall are a load of lines (see photo above) it transpires that these are the restored gunnery training lines. Apparently they used a mock up Turret (see photo above) the turret had a gun with a light beam attached, the turrets had a motor and moved up and down the hangers in shallow trenches. The trainee air gunners would be required to keep following one of the lines with their “gun” whilst moving along the floor.

Day 6 (travel day) Durban – Port Elizabeth.

A lot of planning had gone into today and getting it right. I was up and out at 9AM to the airport, the bags arrived at 11:20 just as planned, with 5 check in desks and 8 staff t6o move the bags the check in was complete in 30 minutes, I took the two flight cases to cargo and we got them back to the aircraft by 12:30 with all the bags loaded the passenger started to arrive, just like Johannesburg they were early but this time it was well organised and we got everyone onto the aircraft in time to leave 20 minutes early. The arrival at Port Elizabeth was absolutely perfect, as soon as we shut the engines down the Mercedes S class pulled up at the stairs and the “A” party were away in less than 3 minutes, we then pulled up the band coach and got them away within 10 minutes. The other two coaches were pulled up at the baggage side of the aircraft and everyone jumped on whilst the baggage was loaded and what remained was thrown on the baggage truck. We got 87 people and 150 bags away from the airport within 20 minutes and none of it went anywhere near the terminal fantastic. Once that was done we spent an hour sorting out the procedure for the departure. One f the nice things about this tour is educating the airport staff about what a group like this requires, you could see they were getting a real buzz out of it and hopefully it will mean that the tours that come after us will not start with the concept and can cut straight to the process. With that done I now have two days off. The journey to the Hotel was a quick 10 minutes which will present a problem on Saturday (but more on that later). The Hotel is the Radisson Blu which is two years old and very nice I have a 10^th floor room overlooking the beach and Nelson Mandela bay. A perfect day with the (very detailed) move day plan came together.

Day 5 (show day) Durban.

Today I had a lot of time to kill having done yesterday what I had planned today. This morning I took some time out to walk to the Ushaka marine world http://www.ushakamarineworld.co.za/ it is am absolutely stunning aquarium with a lot of interesting fish as well as a number of large sharks. Whilst I was there three divers appeared in the shark tank, one set about cleaning the windows whilst the other two used their sticks to keep the sharks away. Perhaps this could go down as one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. I found out that my handling contact for the flights was coming to Durban and would be around in the afternoon to check all the arrangements after the fun and games on the arrival. I spoke to the tour manager and he was good enough to allow us to come back stage and see how the show runs. We were picked up at 5PM and were driven to the Moses Mabhida Stadium; with a flash of the drivers ID we were in the backstage car park and up to the tour office by 5:15. As were early for the 6PM move day meeting we went to the hospitality for a very nice dinner with the band and stage crew. The move day meeting went quickly and we had an hour and a half to kill so the production crew issued up with “access all areas” back stage passes and we wondered around. The concert as usual was brilliant although part way through the crowd were shouting for a particular song so he cut to it, the crowd thought this was brilliant, what they were unaware of though is that to get there he jumped forward two tracks in the set and he has a rule of not going back. The crown had therefore cheated themselves out of 10 minutes and two songs!!!. Once the concert finished we went back to the production office and were told that the transport back to the hotel would not be for another hour so we sat outside and watched them tear down the set. The concert finished at 10PM and the entire stage set will be broken and packed by 3AM when it will be driven to our next venue in Port Elizabeth before we arrive tomorrow afternoon. Moving this small tour (80 people) is a massive logistical exercise. I now have an access all areas unescorted backstage pass for the entire world tour, The music business can we quite sexy and I am sure that if some of the people I knew 20 years ago knew what I did for a living now they would be shocked and a little jealous!.

Day 4 (Airport procedures day) Durban

What a difference a day makes, or, don’t assume as it makes an ASS of U and ME. I arrived at Durban airport this morning to pick through the wreckage of the previous day with the handler. The airport is a brand new facility opened for the world cup last year. I asked them to explain what happened with the baggage the previous day and, I admit, I am guilty of assuming that they just lost the plot because it was Africa and that’s what happens in Africa. It turns out they have a state of the art CCTV set up and the regional manager was able to show me in excruciating detail why it was the tour that caused the baggage delay and the handling agent was in fact doing all it could to minimise the problem, I had been fed a line by the tour and swallowed it hook line and sinker because “that’s what happens in Africa”. A huge piece of humble pie was eaten by me at that meeting. With that out of the way it was back to the Hotel room where I worked on my e-mails all afternoon to get things that I had no time for last week up to date. I am actually quite relaxed now and tomorrow I am planning to take some time out to see Durban before going to the venue for the move day meeting to explain the airport procedures for the Durban – Port Elizabeth move.

I was eating in the bar tonight and the staff behind the bar were speaking Xhosa when they were not serving. It was absolutely fascinating. If you have not heard Xhosa have a listen to some you tube clips of it, it has to be one of the most fascinating languages there is. I could have listened to them all night.

Day 3 (Travel day) Johannesburg -Durban

This is the big day for me; wheels up are planned for 2:00 PM. I am across at the airport by 8AM to check on a couple of things, back at the Hotel by 9:15 for a late breakfast and then collected by the airline at 10AM. We get to the aircraft for 10:30 and I have a very pleasant hour looking at the old aircraft that are dumped outside the hanger. At around 11:30 we taxi from the hangers across to the main airport. Once there I go back through the process to the landside area. Groups like this do not bring their own bags to the airport and check in like normal people. They have a bag pull where all the bags are collected from their rooms and, all being well, the next time they see them is when the bags are delivered to their hotel rooms at the destination an hour or so after arrival. The first thing to arrive is normally the bags 2 hours prior to departure followed by the C or “crew” party about an hour before departure with the B or “band” party arriving 45 minutes prior and the A party (male soloist PA and personal security) arriving 30 minutes before wheels up. In a perfect world the bags are loaded on the aircraft then the crew arrive and board followed by the band and finally the “A party” walk onto the aircraft and the doors are closed and off we go.

The first crisis today is the bags, instead of arriving 2 hours prior they arrive at 1:15 prior as the driver got lost. The “C” party are running ahead of schedule and arrive 1:15 minutes prior to departure, at the same time we get a call to advise that the “A” party are running ahead of schedule and want to have dinner at the airport. We have no restaurant booked and the only facility is a “free for all” cafeteria. 4 staff are dispatch to block a table so at least they don’t have to queue. At this point the “B” party arrive also 15 minutes ahead of schedule, as I am dealing with them I get told that the “A” party have decided to have lunch at the hotel and will not be now coming to the airport. Their hotel is 40 minutes away from the airport and it is only 45 minutes to departure. I am thinking that at least this will buy us some time as the baggage is being painfully slow; the security screeners want to show how professional they are by checking every bag extra carefully. We board the “B” and “C” parties onto the aircraft 45 minutes before departure so they can get some rest. Then to my surprise with 15 minutes to go the “A” party arrive bang on schedule having apparently ordered and eaten lunch and made a 40 minute drive all in 45 minutes. Fortunately the bags are almost loaded and the doors are closed and we pushback 2 minutes early with me wondering what the *** had just happened. The flight to Durban is 45 minutes and we land bang on schedule. The passenger are off and away and I am down on the ramp with two tour security people and the baggage. All the bags leave the aircraft within 40 minutes of arriving on the gate, there is then a mysterious 45 minute period where no one seem to know what is going on. The bags finally arrive at the hotel 2:30 after the passenger arrive and the tour management is not happy. I send a million unhappy e-mails to everyone at the airport with a million unhappy phone calls to back it up. I arrange a meeting for 12:00 tomorrow and advise the tour management what I have done to correct things. Finally at 8:00PM I go to the bar in the hotel where I find part of the sound and lighting crew and 4 beers and a fabulous curry later I am begging to calm down.... only 3 days until the next move day!!!

PS I have no idea what happened to the staff that we dispatched to block the seats at the restaurant in Johannesburg, they may still be sitting there.

Day 2 (setup) Johannesburg

Arrival in Johannesburg was at 08:30, I managed 5 hours sleep on the aircraft which was OK. I was through immigration and customs by 9:30, I had an airport hotel but knew my room would not be ready until after 11:00 so spent a couple of hours sitting in the observation deck watching the world go by. After a shower and change of clothes it was back to the airport for a set up meeting with the handler for the three flights I have to look after. That went well and with all the arrangements firmed up I was free again at 15:30. Another hour on the observation deck and then it was back to the hotel for my taxi to Soccer City where the concert was being held. I had a 6:00PM meeting with the tour management to explain the arrangements for the next day. As we were approaching the stadium the crowds were huge, there were 50,000 tickets sold for the event. I had been told to go to gate D for back stage access we were going down closed roads and giving the impression of being real VIP’s my Taxi driver was very impressed. Once at the gate I had to wait for the assistant tour manager to appear with my accreditation but then we were into the basement of the stadium. It is a huge place and we had to walk for 5 minutes just to find the tour office. The backstage atmosphere is unique; everyone has a real buzz about them and is really focused. The tour party is a real mix of nationalities and contractors this tour has their own (English) chef with them from a contract catering company and very nice food they cook too!! At 7:30 the meeting was finished and having been allocated baggage tag number 64 RED so my baggage does not get lost I am on my way back to the Hotel which I arrive at just before 8PM.